FEAR

Fantastic Expectations Amazing Revelations

Hello readers - it’s Friday the 13th again. The second such occurrence within a month, all those poor Paraskavekatriphobic’s must be going out of their minds right now; and there is still one more to come this year.

Final Execution And Resurrection

So in my entry on the last Friday 13th (Senseless Superstition) I talked a little about my thoughts on superstition, so I thought that on this Friday 13th I would talk about FEAR.

Free Expression As Revolution

I actually decided on the theme for this entry at work today, and was able to find a few moments to reflect on what I feared. At the time I found it hard to think of anything. I thought I was the sort of person who would become momentarily scared of distant possibilities rather than the more ‘normal’, immediate; physical objects/scenarios that inspire fear. How that has changed!

In preparation for putting this entry together I decided to look up the most common fears people have. These include: death, spiders, snakes, clowns, heights, water, enclosed spaces, tunnels and bridges, terrorist attacks, social rejection, failure, public speaking, the future, and nuclear war.

Immediately the future and nuclear war stood out as they feature in the ‘what if?’ scenarios that like to take root in my mind on occasion. But although those scenarios do inspire some fear, this soon passes as my curiosity overtakes all other senses and I begin to think about it in detail. However, I then saw social rejection, failure and public speaking and realised that they all scare the bejesus out of me.

Upon reflection I realise I have two big fears, and it surprises me that they did not come to mind until I started to look at what other people feared. But then again, maybe it shouldn’t be much of a surprise. Isn’t it natural to block out things that you are afraid of?

My fears involve failure and rejection, and stem from some major mental issues I had throughout my childhood. I was terrified of large crowds, the idea of talking in public and was paranoid that people thought I was inadequate and were laughing at me. Thankfully those are no longer problems, but they have left their marks on me, those being the two scenarios that scare the hell out of me.

The first, as dumb as it may sound, is dancing. I hate it. At parties I am the guy that is as far removed from the dance floor as possible (which does in fact force me to socialise with random people – which is good, on most occasions). The thought of looking like an idiot and people laughing at me freezes me to the spot; and has on occasion brought me out in a cold sweat. Not so much now, people know me well enough to let me be –and sometimes, after downing an unhealthy amount of alcohol I have been known to stumble onto the floor and lay down some shapes. Still, I don’t like it.

The second is failure, moreover - rejection. The idea of being a failure scares me like no other; this motivate me most areas except when it comes to women. Then the fear seems to become insurmountable, and is the biggest factor in my long periods of being single. That said; you’d have already realised that I find it incredibly hard making the move that takes (or attempts to) friendship into a relationship, or evening making the move to initiate conversation, and friendship in the first place. Now, I have had quiet a few partners – and yet this f**king annoying fear of rejection has not been subdued.

Both of my fears are rooted in my anxiety/confidence issues, mentioned earlier. But my confidence has only grown since leaving school nine years ago, now I can be over-confident and an arrogant little shite at times. So there is obviously something more deeply imbedded in my psyche that is making me neurotic. Perhaps I’m a narcissist.

So my lovely little readers, what do you fear?

FEAR from the Album Music of the Spheres – Ian Brown