Thru The Glass

Salut lecteurs, comment ca va? I have had a rather mixed weekend, and week thus far.

Where to begin?

Well. I wanted start with the positives, tentative optimism and all that. But in light of the news I received at my parents over the weekend, neglecting to start with that seemed ridiculous. So here it is, a close member of the family (grandparent) was diagnosed with terminal cancer during the week, and is not expected to see the year out.

We knew she was ill, but for a different reason; so this news came out of the blue (at least to me). I did receive a message in the week stating that a tumour had been found, but I was so wrapped up in my own little world last week I didn’t pay much attention. It was only when I arrived at my parents and heard the details that the message sunk in.

The mood there was not particularly sombre, but there was a definite feeling in the air that people were on edge. A feeling that seemed to become more pronounced the longer I stayed, because the notion came to me that I was an outsider. Now I know that sounds pretty ridiculous, after all it’s my family. But everybody was a lot quieter than usual (I barely spoke to either of my brothers, one of whom had proceeded to drink himself into a pretty bad state the evening before), and that edge in the air I mentioned seemed to tell of something that I had missed. I had missed something. After all, the news had broken days before my arrival; meaning everybody else had obviously discussed it and had been dealing with it together (if not openly, then around one another in the same vicinity). Whereas I had not spoken to anybody for the best part of a month, and so came into this environment not knowing what was going on.

I let my mother explain it, then let the subject lay. I had questions, but asking them seemed like a bad idea. It was immediately obvious that my thoughts regarding death are very different from the rest of my family, and I thought indulging my curiosity would only cause them additional upset.

This has actually been the first opportunity I have had to reflect on the situation, I realise now that I barely thought about it whilst at my parents; which strikes me as odd. But then, I was trying pretty hard to act normal and not say something out of place. I guess that is to be expected, after all this is new to me. Whilst I am comfortable with the idea (or rather my idea) of death, my philosophy is built around research and the experiences of others. I have yet to experience death firsthand.

I have known people who have died, obviously. But the last time that occurred I was still a child, and as such did not give the event much consideration. Said person was around, and then they weren’t, that was that. I pretty sure I remember being told at the time, that there is no point fearing death because we can’t escape it and then not sleeping that night. But that could just be a thought projected onto a half-memory, who knows? Either way, it is pretty close to my feeling towards death.

I am at ease with the situation, as far as the facts go it has already been reconciled in my head. I can’t help that, that the way I my mind processes things. Thankfully I am not devoid of all feelings, I know everybody else involved in this will be having a difficult time and that does concern, a lot actually.

I have yet to see B, but someone let slip that she doesn’t feel ready to leave my step dad and uncle yet, (and they sure as hell won’t want this) which makes me sad I don’t like to think of people in pain, I can only hope she can reconcile herself soon to make it easier on herself. Then there are both my brothers and sister, who (as far as I’m aware) will be experiencing death for the first time. Although subdued over the weekend, they seemed to be okay; my youngest brothers drinking adventure aside, but I have since heard a few things had point to the opposite. I feel more empathy for them than anyone else, so knowing that they are having difficulty taking this in really worries me. I feel guilty for not being around more to talk or to listen.

I guess that’s all I have to say for now. Except an apology for the morbid tone