I went looking for Freedom

I went looking for freedom, and found Inspiration, on an autumn night in the darkness beyond the city.

Idleness had birthed laziness, by the evening I was lacklustre. I wanted to write, but it seemed to great an effort. My head felt heavy and oddly numb, as though the surface of my mind had frozen over; preventing the flow of ideas. The forces of procrastination smartly outflanked my concentration, comprehensively routing it; leaving my indecisive and irritable. But I had no patience for any minor distractions, everything I attempted only added to a growing sense of frustration. I felt despondent, trapped mentally. So I put on my trainers, strapped on the Ipod and ran away from the city.

Away from the sirens, alarms and rumbling of traffic. I followed the path of the streetlamps that hung in the air like a trail of phosphorus breadcrumbs, and soon passed beneath the umbrella of artificial-murky light that covered the city centre; erasing the stars from the sky, into the darkness beyond.

Almost two miles, and I reach the church with the abandoned tower and ruined gatehouse, a failing monument to a distant age; with the hidden lights that bring it to life when the day dies. A ghostly guardian standing vigilance over those who will sleep eternally in the grounds to the east, the graveyard creeps into view as I round the corner. Lanterns scattered about the headstones give the impression of a shattered rainbow that has come to rest amongst the dead.

My mind is clearing. Everything is silent, but for the steady beat of my feet upon the road. I focus on my pace, the motion of my body; everything else is forgotten. I can let go, disappear inside myself. Removed from the world I continue to run, utterly at peace. I turn my path and follow the river home; it looks like mercury in the moonlight. A silvery road leading to the city beneath the dome of light at the top of the hill – I am ready to return, I have tasted freedom and thawed the frost that held back my thoughts.

If only I can hold this feeling until I reach home. I have writing to do.

On Insomnia Cont..

Well this is certainly a welcome rarity. I was once more sat, listlessly wishing away another evening that threatens to withhold sleep; and suddenly I find myself equipped with both the desire and motivation to take up my weapon of choice and begin to write, for the second evening in succession.

Perhaps this is a small victory over my eternal nemesis; the demonic-insomniac that so often chases away my hopes for good nights sleep.

Usually upon finding myself under its numbing grasp, my mind is too fractured to string together ideas, or to concentrate for more than the most fleeting of moments, making writing something coherent all but impossible. I have no idea what has changed, but I intend to make the most of it.

No victory such as this can come without a price; tomorrow will be laborious, as was today. I believe I may have managed to sleep for around four hours last night, having woken up earlier than my alarm (on the sofa) to the sound of the city waking up. I dare say tonight will follow a similar pattern. I will, no doubt, by sat here typing away beyond midnight unable to switch of the constant noise between my ears.

I said I hit the wall in yesterday’s entry, and I am certain that was the worst of it; so having now passed it, I must be working my way back into a healthier sleeping pattern. This morning actually found me feeling more refreshed and rested than I have on any other morning this week, such signs tend to foretell the return of sleep. I hope that remains true.

Midnight is drawing in around me. I think perhaps, that I may let this moment of motivation pass and attempt to sleep. Writing this entry appears to have calmed me down, and I think the sandman may be close by.

At least I can enjoy this perfect silence whilst I await him, another rarity; silence in the city. Well, there will be once this computer has shut down.

On Insomnia

Under the glow of a full moon that has illuminated my entire room; I write this entry from bed. I can’t sleep, so I might as well make use of the time. This is the fourth, or fifth restless night in succession. Which is the unmistakeable sign that my old friend Insomnia has returned for a visit.

I can generally tell when Insomnia is going to strike; it almost works it’s way in to my life like a new girlfriend; until it finally feels comfortable enough to leave its toothbrush in my bathroom and starting buying things for the apartment; essentially moving in and taking control. (I’m joking!)

But this time it was different. Perhaps it wanted to keep our relationship fresh and mix things up. It could have just introduced handcuffs to the bedroom, but no. Instead it just arrived quite literally out of the blue hitting me full in the chest; taking the wind from me, and I lay in bed; feeling my tired eyes droop, staring at the darkness trying to recover my breath.

Usually I can hold it together, enough to appear relatively normal, if a little vacant at times. But this week my energy reserves have eroded rapidly, with them have gone my short-term memory, my patience and motivation. Today I hit the wall. I have no idea how I continued to function until I made it home to recover.

Somehow I have managed to find the energy to keep up my running, if only twice a week. The late night circuits of a sleeping city, and jogs along the river under a star filled sky the only positives of this unwelcome visitor. I hate insomnia, but I love the nighttime. I have blogged before on the pleasures of running through the city when everybody is indoors and the lights are mostly switched out; it is so inviting unusual.

A full moon only makes the atmosphere more appealing; I could lose hours staring at it unsure of the reason behind my fascination.

I am sure of one thing, the reason behind this reappearance of my old acquaintance. It has to be stress and anxiety caused from increased pressures at work; also partly excitement from meeting a pretty amazing young lady (Perhaps). That is a good thing, knowing the cause should help me find the means to stop the problem.

But I get the feeling this particular problem can only be prevented, never quashed.

Adieu.

False Start

With hindsight standing over me like an untrusting parent, wearing a smug expression and pointing out all of my prior failings in meticulous detail. I now realise that attempting re-enter the blogosphere foolhardily, at a time when my social calendar was unusually overcrowded, was not the best of ideas. I am already forgetting to update it.

I want this blog to work, and for it to do so I need to redevelop the habit of sitting down for an hour or so, a couple of nights a week, with the intent to blog - and then do just that. That is however, dependent on me having some alone time, and that just hasn’t happened this past week.

The few occasions I had time in which I could have written, were mere interjections between work and an almost constant string social engagements. Which is a polite way of say almost constant drinking sessions. In the space of three months I appear to have turned from serious amateur athlete to part-time party animal. How quickly I gave in to temptation! I would make an awful Jedi. The moment you turn your back I’ll have joined the dark side and be putting an end democracy – with my lightsaber.

Commonsense has won through. I have decided to curtail the late night drinking sessions drastically; I love the company of my friends. But the excessive drinking and partying isn’t really for me. I would like to remain healthy, and really; the only things I like to do in excess are reading and sex.

I feel good for writing this entry. I felt like I had to write and upload something (good or not), if only to prevent a relapse in to inactivity. It has also given me a couple of ideas with regard the future direction of this blog.

Firstly, I’m thinking of creating a new blog and moving all my book reviews and general literature talk over there. Leaving this blog for ‘me and my thoughts and life’ diary style entries. However, the second idea was to cut back on the diary style entries for a while. Instead, I want to try focusing each entry on one theme or subject; rather than just talking with no real point to get across.

Any thoughts?