The most peculiar thing happened to me yesterday evening. I had gone for a walk, in the rain; out of necessity rather than choice – It was dark, and the heavy cloud cover that appeared rest just over the rooftops made everything feel closer, and gave the impression of being within a closed space. The city was unsurprisingly quiet, only the hum of passing traffic disturbed the sound of the rain and my footsteps.
I had obviously fallen into some form of waking daydream earlier; (the sort that you find yourself lured into after a restless nights sleep) because I can clearly recall snapping out of it, and how the sudden return of my senses brought on a feeling of being absolutely focused on the present moment. I realised how refreshing the rain felt on my face, how the evening chill had caused me to clench my fists in my pockets and squeeze my shoulders together.
I was quite content, thinking of nothing other than the rain and of food (the attainment of which, was the purpose of the journey). When I was struck – quite suddenly, at first by feeling completely emptiness, then just a suddenly, a feeling of utter isolation and loneliness. It sprang forth from the darkness and was so intense, so utterly consuming that it actually stopped me in my tracks, until the sound of a passing car spurred me cautiously onward.
I have never felt so alone before, as I did in that moment.
All at once images of my self in random scenarios began to play out in my mind – the people in them would pass by and either ignore, or not see me. Images of returning to my flat and finding it empty, dark and distorted. I was reminded of how I miss being in a relationship, of my friends, the ones who have left for more exotic shores. My brain was spontaneously throwing up times when I felt alone or lost in the past – which served only to exasperate my sullen mood.
I can’t say how long it lasted for; it could not have been longer than around 10 minutes. I remember then turning a corner and almost walking into a young lady, who smiled at me from under her umbrella. We made eye contact for the briefest of moments, as I apologised and carried on past. But in that moment, the feeling vanished – I was once more left with thoughts of food and the evening’s television schedule.
It was so profound - so surreal, yet I actually forgot about it last night and only recalled the event this morning. At which point, I add – I was in high spirits (and remain so at the point of writing this), having slept well. Although I managed develop the full symptoms of a cold overnight. Nice.
Obviously something has been clawing away at my subconscious, and that dark deserted street served as an opportunity for it to strike. I mention it because I found it strange, firstly because I have never felt as ardent with emotion as I did last night, and secondly, because I have been feeling really positive and good about myself recently.
I should probably reflect on the potential causes behind it - But sitting here now, with my coffee, a little classical music on the background and the smell of my housemates dinner managing to pierce my largely blocked nasal passages, I don’t feel the need – Feelin’ Fine. Well, feeling annoyed at my inability to breathe properly, and that my broadband connection is slow at the moment. Seriously – I’ve seen two legged tortoises move faster than my refresh rate. Damnit!
But that aside, Feelin’ Fine
Oh - Any Neil Gaiman fans should check out his latest blog entry - HERE - It contains a trailer for Coraline, it's pretty good.
Thursday, 29 January 2009
Tuesday, 27 January 2009
Breaking the Habit
Hello readers – Can you believe January has almost passed already? How are those New Years Resolutions coming along? I, rather surprising have stuck to the mantra I set myself; which you can read here: UNO.
Some encouraging news, for me that is - I appear to have shaken free from the sapping symptoms of Insomnia, for the time being at least. But trying to re-condition myself to sleep at regular times again is proving difficult. I have become used to sleeping sporadically (as much as you can do), and have developed a habit – that at times feels more like an addiction - to staying up in to the wee hours; actually doing very little, feeling tired, knowing how I will feel the next morning, but not wanting to sleep. I’ll spend ages trawling through the Internet with no aim. There have even been a few occasions when I have gotten so frustrated with myself that I have gone for a run at around 3-4am through the city, which is an odd experience in itself. It makes me think I’d cope well in a real 24hour city like New York or Tokyo. Perhaps I’ll try that theory one day.
The after effects of Insomnia can be just as frustrating as the critter itself. At times I almost feel removed from the normal flow of time – watching people move past my desk at turbo speed, but simultaneously feeling time in my little bubble drag itself forward torturously slowly. I suppose it could be worse – time could be dragging itself backward. That would freak me out.
My woes aside for the moment, I have been giving some consideration as to the direction of this blog. It doesn’t have any real structure at the moment, and I feel it needs a purpose. I feel I need a purpose. I used to have one, but World Domination just isn’t a viable way of life at the moment, what with the value of the world having dropped in the credit crunch! Although, I could look at it as long-term investment strategy, but megalomaniac overlords tend to have a short lifespan, so that would really be a fruitless endeavour.
Sorry, I got a little caught up in the moment there. As I was saying, I think this blog would be better for a purpose, or at least some ongoing theme that helps it stand out. I have a few ideas – and any you have would be welcomed. One of which was to start uploading an ongoing story in serial format, between the regular me, my life and I posts like this.
I’m not sure if it would work, I have a couple of concepts that would work in serial form – The main issue, as I see it – would be finding the right balance between detail and length. My regular posts are usually around a page and a half. Would longer posts be okay in this instance? I guess if I clearly marked serial posts, readers would know from the off what to expect and so could pass over if they didn’t fancy more than a brief read of somebody’s ramblings. Any feedback and/or ideas would be appreciated.
In other news, these stories caught my eye today:
“Driver crash-lands car on church roof”
Click the headline to see the full article. A driver in Germany managed to miss-time a bend in the road and launch himself off the bank some 35 meters in the air – stopping in the roof of a nearby church.
“It’s a sign from the lord – Ford? Does what does it mean, mass consumerism is good?” (Well done if you got that reference - you have been paying attention in my previous entries!)
“DR Congo Gorilla numbers up 12.5%”
Encouraging news. One of my first ambitions was to become a vet and move to Africa to work with endangered species. I’m not entirely sure how I went from that to my current career in finance.
Life is peculiar.
Some encouraging news, for me that is - I appear to have shaken free from the sapping symptoms of Insomnia, for the time being at least. But trying to re-condition myself to sleep at regular times again is proving difficult. I have become used to sleeping sporadically (as much as you can do), and have developed a habit – that at times feels more like an addiction - to staying up in to the wee hours; actually doing very little, feeling tired, knowing how I will feel the next morning, but not wanting to sleep. I’ll spend ages trawling through the Internet with no aim. There have even been a few occasions when I have gotten so frustrated with myself that I have gone for a run at around 3-4am through the city, which is an odd experience in itself. It makes me think I’d cope well in a real 24hour city like New York or Tokyo. Perhaps I’ll try that theory one day.
The after effects of Insomnia can be just as frustrating as the critter itself. At times I almost feel removed from the normal flow of time – watching people move past my desk at turbo speed, but simultaneously feeling time in my little bubble drag itself forward torturously slowly. I suppose it could be worse – time could be dragging itself backward. That would freak me out.
My woes aside for the moment, I have been giving some consideration as to the direction of this blog. It doesn’t have any real structure at the moment, and I feel it needs a purpose. I feel I need a purpose. I used to have one, but World Domination just isn’t a viable way of life at the moment, what with the value of the world having dropped in the credit crunch! Although, I could look at it as long-term investment strategy, but megalomaniac overlords tend to have a short lifespan, so that would really be a fruitless endeavour.
Sorry, I got a little caught up in the moment there. As I was saying, I think this blog would be better for a purpose, or at least some ongoing theme that helps it stand out. I have a few ideas – and any you have would be welcomed. One of which was to start uploading an ongoing story in serial format, between the regular me, my life and I posts like this.
I’m not sure if it would work, I have a couple of concepts that would work in serial form – The main issue, as I see it – would be finding the right balance between detail and length. My regular posts are usually around a page and a half. Would longer posts be okay in this instance? I guess if I clearly marked serial posts, readers would know from the off what to expect and so could pass over if they didn’t fancy more than a brief read of somebody’s ramblings. Any feedback and/or ideas would be appreciated.
In other news, these stories caught my eye today:
“Driver crash-lands car on church roof”
Click the headline to see the full article. A driver in Germany managed to miss-time a bend in the road and launch himself off the bank some 35 meters in the air – stopping in the roof of a nearby church.
“It’s a sign from the lord – Ford? Does what does it mean, mass consumerism is good?” (Well done if you got that reference - you have been paying attention in my previous entries!)
“DR Congo Gorilla numbers up 12.5%”
Encouraging news. One of my first ambitions was to become a vet and move to Africa to work with endangered species. I’m not entirely sure how I went from that to my current career in finance.
Life is peculiar.
Friday, 23 January 2009
Exploring the City of Delusion
This is a continuation of a previous entry entitled City of Delusion.
I want to pick up on the concept of an Anti-Utopian Society that I cut short previously. It has been increasingly playing on my mind this last week, in part due to having now started Brave New World (and subsequently having been tempted to leaf through Nineteen Eighty-Four again), and because the ideas I mentioned in my last post have developed into the central plots for a small collection of short stories I hope to finish soon.
We have already established that an Anti-Utopia is a society founded on Utopian principles/ideals, and is therefore – if only at first glance, a perfect socio-politico system. It stands to reason, in my mind, a quick transition into this new system would be possible due to its creators seeing their own perfection reflected back and embracing it.
But to be an Anti-Utopia, this society has to be flawed in some way – by means accidental or purposeful, thus twisting the Utopian principles into something more Dystopian in nature. An obvious fault in the society I have introduced, would be human vanity.
The society that birthed the new system would view it as perfection, perhaps even godlike – thus elevating the society itself (as suggested earlier) to such a status, making god in the image of man. As Utopian/Dystopian societies tend to lack independent religions, the system itself would likely take that role within the new society. The arrogance of the society, coupled with a denial to hide any imperfections in the system (thus denying any personal imperfections) becomes the flaw that undermines the Utopian ideals, and creates the Anti-Utopia.
The society would at first grow naturally, but soon its evolution would be shaped by advances in science and technology – the changed society would then change the perfect system, aiding its transformation into a prison, its inmates enslaved by their wilful ignorance and growing reliance on the perfect system to maintain the status quo. Blinding them to the truth of their plight.
We are not naturally born uniform; discrepancy between society and the system would emerge. By now society cannot live with out the system, differences threaten the peace and order – How are the discrepancies removed?
In all Utopias any individual(s) who defy the social norm are ostracised and outcast. In Dystopian societies ‘rebels’ are eliminated or incarcerated. The society in Brave New World solves that problem by engineering a uniformed race of humans, conditioning them from birth to except the ideals and principles of the new society. In Nineteen Eighty-Four, those who resist control are arrested and tortured by the Ministry of Love.
It seems impossible to have even a Utopian society without control; it is attempting to find a suitable the level of control, and the measure those in power take to maintain it that unveils another flaw in the new perfect system. It also shows a flaw in societies inability to truly comprehend perfection. As imperfect, and thus unique, individuals each has a different perspective on perfection. Thus no system would be perfect to all, unless – as in Brave New World its population was mass produced, or perhaps brainwashed into believing in an illusion, that is then collectively sustained by the society. There are more forceful options available to maintain uniform, but then we would be looking at a Dystopia instead of an Anti-Utopia that still appears, to its citizens, to be a Utopia.
The illusion is the idea of freewill, obviously this would have to be eliminated to maintain control – But the population would need to be misguided by various propaganda tools into believing it is there in order to accept the minor, visible steps the system makes into order to retain the status quo. What would it take to awaken a willingly blinded, subservient population to the truth of what we, as observers from the outside, see? How would an individual that has grown up in said society then react, when what they take for truth and reality is shown to be broken or a mere illusion?
“Cast your eye tears on to me
And I'll show you what you really need
Give too much attention
And I'll reflect your imperfections”
Shrinking Universe - MUSE
I want to pick up on the concept of an Anti-Utopian Society that I cut short previously. It has been increasingly playing on my mind this last week, in part due to having now started Brave New World (and subsequently having been tempted to leaf through Nineteen Eighty-Four again), and because the ideas I mentioned in my last post have developed into the central plots for a small collection of short stories I hope to finish soon.
We have already established that an Anti-Utopia is a society founded on Utopian principles/ideals, and is therefore – if only at first glance, a perfect socio-politico system. It stands to reason, in my mind, a quick transition into this new system would be possible due to its creators seeing their own perfection reflected back and embracing it.
But to be an Anti-Utopia, this society has to be flawed in some way – by means accidental or purposeful, thus twisting the Utopian principles into something more Dystopian in nature. An obvious fault in the society I have introduced, would be human vanity.
The society that birthed the new system would view it as perfection, perhaps even godlike – thus elevating the society itself (as suggested earlier) to such a status, making god in the image of man. As Utopian/Dystopian societies tend to lack independent religions, the system itself would likely take that role within the new society. The arrogance of the society, coupled with a denial to hide any imperfections in the system (thus denying any personal imperfections) becomes the flaw that undermines the Utopian ideals, and creates the Anti-Utopia.
The society would at first grow naturally, but soon its evolution would be shaped by advances in science and technology – the changed society would then change the perfect system, aiding its transformation into a prison, its inmates enslaved by their wilful ignorance and growing reliance on the perfect system to maintain the status quo. Blinding them to the truth of their plight.
We are not naturally born uniform; discrepancy between society and the system would emerge. By now society cannot live with out the system, differences threaten the peace and order – How are the discrepancies removed?
In all Utopias any individual(s) who defy the social norm are ostracised and outcast. In Dystopian societies ‘rebels’ are eliminated or incarcerated. The society in Brave New World solves that problem by engineering a uniformed race of humans, conditioning them from birth to except the ideals and principles of the new society. In Nineteen Eighty-Four, those who resist control are arrested and tortured by the Ministry of Love.
It seems impossible to have even a Utopian society without control; it is attempting to find a suitable the level of control, and the measure those in power take to maintain it that unveils another flaw in the new perfect system. It also shows a flaw in societies inability to truly comprehend perfection. As imperfect, and thus unique, individuals each has a different perspective on perfection. Thus no system would be perfect to all, unless – as in Brave New World its population was mass produced, or perhaps brainwashed into believing in an illusion, that is then collectively sustained by the society. There are more forceful options available to maintain uniform, but then we would be looking at a Dystopia instead of an Anti-Utopia that still appears, to its citizens, to be a Utopia.
The illusion is the idea of freewill, obviously this would have to be eliminated to maintain control – But the population would need to be misguided by various propaganda tools into believing it is there in order to accept the minor, visible steps the system makes into order to retain the status quo. What would it take to awaken a willingly blinded, subservient population to the truth of what we, as observers from the outside, see? How would an individual that has grown up in said society then react, when what they take for truth and reality is shown to be broken or a mere illusion?
“Cast your eye tears on to me
And I'll show you what you really need
Give too much attention
And I'll reflect your imperfections”
Shrinking Universe - MUSE
Wednesday, 21 January 2009
Politik
After just over two months of transition Barack Obama is now the 44th American President. I managed to get away from work and home in time to watch the inauguration ceremony. I am one of the great many overseas observers whose attention has been captured and held by President Obama during the election campaigns. Who have been captivated by his eloquent and inspiring speeches, who "dare to believe" that change is afoot.
I was impressed by the speech he gave yesterday, pleased that it took a positive, but cautious tone. As I mentioned in a previous post “Optimism is the keyword here. Tentative optimism that is, I am far too sceptical to be so outwardly full of hope”.
I do believe Barack Obama will be good for the United States, and the rest of us – But I was talking to a colleague today, who has lived in the US for a long period, about the amount of hope and unrealistic optimism that is reportedly being projected on to the new President. To me, it feels like too great an expectation for people to hold – one that is unfair to project upon one man, and unfair on those projecting, because they are destined to be disappointed when those expectations cannot be met.
The world is in the grip of both a major economic and a financial crisis that reach too far into our collective society to be solved within one term of presidency. The US has troops in Afghanistan and Iraq trapped in the after effects of a very unpopular, and by some accounts disastrous military campaign. I am also aware of internal issues the citizenship of the US want to see rectified – however, on those I know very little so cannot comment further.
The point I am trying to make is – That whilst Barack Obama was the right choice for President, we should not pin all our hopes for change on him, but; as he himself has said, begin to act ourselves.
As a Briton, the American election process is interesting in another away – Its much more entertaining that our election process. It says a great deal about the American people, and those standing for office, when we see thousands, millions in yesterday’s case, actively showing support for an ideal. Whilst I don’t lack the compassion of my own compatriots, it is just not as visible, and the party conferences we do see on television are largely uninspiring. I am fully aware that this (The US09) campaign was unique, in that the Democratic Party nomination gave the possibility of either the first female, or; as it prevailed, first black president – but still, British politics lacks the excitement of the large scale rallies and big personalities running for office.
The closest we have had, in my memory, was the rise of New Labour and Tony Blair in 1997. I guess it could be put down to our (the British) collective demeanour – as a story I read today would back up.
“Polite Britons Died on Titanic
More British passengers died on the Titanic because they queued politely for lifeboats, researchers believe.
A behavioural economist says data suggests Britons in that era were more inclined to be gentlemanly while Americans were more individualist”
Source: news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7843154.stm
But enough about Politics – I had only intended to post my appreciation for President Obama!
In other news: Another highly entertaining youtuber by the name of Speedyconkiwi has recently set herself a challenge of posting a vlog (video blog) a day. So far she is on day four. You should stop by her channel HERE you won’t be disappointed!
Highlights so far have been a portal to nowhere, a lesson on holding chopsticks and 10 minutes of non-linear, but highly amusing rambling.
Disclaimer: You might actually be disappointed, I don’t know you – we might have a different sense of humour. Who knows – Click the link, watch a video and find out
What the hell – Yet another youtuber (that I have recently become aware of) you might wish to check out goes by the name of Wheezywaiter
I discovered him through another vlogger, and have been laughing so hard my sides ache, ever since. Ever since yesterday – Not exactly ever since, I haven’t been laughing repeatedly for 48hours. That would be insane, and have likely got me suspended from work – possibly institutionalised.
But you get the point. He’s funny.
Adios
I was impressed by the speech he gave yesterday, pleased that it took a positive, but cautious tone. As I mentioned in a previous post “Optimism is the keyword here. Tentative optimism that is, I am far too sceptical to be so outwardly full of hope”.
I do believe Barack Obama will be good for the United States, and the rest of us – But I was talking to a colleague today, who has lived in the US for a long period, about the amount of hope and unrealistic optimism that is reportedly being projected on to the new President. To me, it feels like too great an expectation for people to hold – one that is unfair to project upon one man, and unfair on those projecting, because they are destined to be disappointed when those expectations cannot be met.
The world is in the grip of both a major economic and a financial crisis that reach too far into our collective society to be solved within one term of presidency. The US has troops in Afghanistan and Iraq trapped in the after effects of a very unpopular, and by some accounts disastrous military campaign. I am also aware of internal issues the citizenship of the US want to see rectified – however, on those I know very little so cannot comment further.
The point I am trying to make is – That whilst Barack Obama was the right choice for President, we should not pin all our hopes for change on him, but; as he himself has said, begin to act ourselves.
As a Briton, the American election process is interesting in another away – Its much more entertaining that our election process. It says a great deal about the American people, and those standing for office, when we see thousands, millions in yesterday’s case, actively showing support for an ideal. Whilst I don’t lack the compassion of my own compatriots, it is just not as visible, and the party conferences we do see on television are largely uninspiring. I am fully aware that this (The US09) campaign was unique, in that the Democratic Party nomination gave the possibility of either the first female, or; as it prevailed, first black president – but still, British politics lacks the excitement of the large scale rallies and big personalities running for office.
The closest we have had, in my memory, was the rise of New Labour and Tony Blair in 1997. I guess it could be put down to our (the British) collective demeanour – as a story I read today would back up.
“Polite Britons Died on Titanic
More British passengers died on the Titanic because they queued politely for lifeboats, researchers believe.
A behavioural economist says data suggests Britons in that era were more inclined to be gentlemanly while Americans were more individualist”
Source: news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7843154.stm
But enough about Politics – I had only intended to post my appreciation for President Obama!
In other news: Another highly entertaining youtuber by the name of Speedyconkiwi has recently set herself a challenge of posting a vlog (video blog) a day. So far she is on day four. You should stop by her channel HERE you won’t be disappointed!
Highlights so far have been a portal to nowhere, a lesson on holding chopsticks and 10 minutes of non-linear, but highly amusing rambling.
Disclaimer: You might actually be disappointed, I don’t know you – we might have a different sense of humour. Who knows – Click the link, watch a video and find out
What the hell – Yet another youtuber (that I have recently become aware of) you might wish to check out goes by the name of Wheezywaiter
I discovered him through another vlogger, and have been laughing so hard my sides ache, ever since. Ever since yesterday – Not exactly ever since, I haven’t been laughing repeatedly for 48hours. That would be insane, and have likely got me suspended from work – possibly institutionalised.
But you get the point. He’s funny.
Adios
Monday, 19 January 2009
We Can't Rewind
Hello readers, I hope this finds you in a better place than it leaves me. (Hanging from a lamppost over an event horizon).
Yesterday I watched a video on youtube by the international superstar blogger-that-looks-like-a lot like-David Tennant aka Dr Who, Littleradge. Otherwise known as Liam, I believe. (Check him out here)
Anyway, in said video said vlogger spoke about going back in time ten years and talking to his younger self, imparting various nuggets of wisdom upon the, what I would have assume; open mouthed wee lad staring in disbelief at an older version of himself, possibly about to have a mental breakdown as he attempts to work out the how this event could be possible. I assume that, because it’s what I would do if confronted by a version of myself from the future – that, and ask for the results of some major sporting events that have yet to take place. Ka-ching.
He then asks what you (Yes, you) would tell yourself. My immediate reaction was, great idea I’d tell my fourteen year old self
1 Get a haircut
2 Here the are the results of every major sporting event between 1998-2008 – Use them
3 Don’t be so angry at the world; it’s not worth it
4 You have no idea what you want to do when you leave school – Let me save you a lot of time, look for something involving History, Photography and Writing.
5 You’re right – Aliens do exist, they appear in five years and take over the world.
6 Study harder
7 Be a better role model to your brothers and sister
8 I was joking about the Aliens.
9 Start rowing - you’ll love it
10. Stop worrying about what other people think of you
I then went into the kitchen, put the kettle on and proceeded to cook some noodles; chow mien flavoured, (in case you were wondering) happy with the thought of being able to get the things I want now, by putting my younger self on the same track present me is on, still playing in my mind.
But then I got thinking, I’m not the same person I was ten years ago; technically I’m not the same person was then I wrote that last line, or am I? Feel free to add your philosophies at the end - but I’m not going into that right now.
I don’t think I would listen to myself. I would like to think I would, but looking back on how I was then, I honestly doubt present me would get through. For the simple reason that wee-me (as me ten years ago shall hence forth be known) would have yet to encounter the people, and have had the experiences I have had. He would be too wrapped up in himself, and the goings on in this immediate little world to understand and see a bigger picture.
At this point in my thought process, I’d finished my tea and hit the coffee. Not really relevant but I was stuck as to how to continue this entry. Fortunately for you, I have just jumped that hurdle.
The video got me thinking about the last ten years, and I realised just how much of a journey I have had, mentally that is. Physically I haven’t travelled that far; well, I have done most of Europe and some of Africa – But the mental journey has been much greater. Trust me.
With this hindsight came the thought that actually, would I want to go back and change wee-me into current me? Whilst there are things I would like to change – I have lots of fantastic memories from various adventures, and have met people that have inspired me, taught me, made me laugh or have become good friends.
Changing wee-me, even slightly – could prevent any of that from happening. One thing I have learnt; that wee-me has yet to, is that I truly appreciate the people that have come into my life and changed it – and in the process changed me.
So much so, that I would not want to go back and change anything ten years ago – except the maybe the hair. Yes, definitely the hair.
People are fantastic. You are all awesome, unless I’ve met you and called you a douchebag – in which case, you are in fact a douchebag. Sorry.
Yesterday I watched a video on youtube by the international superstar blogger-that-looks-like-a lot like-David Tennant aka Dr Who, Littleradge. Otherwise known as Liam, I believe. (Check him out here)
Anyway, in said video said vlogger spoke about going back in time ten years and talking to his younger self, imparting various nuggets of wisdom upon the, what I would have assume; open mouthed wee lad staring in disbelief at an older version of himself, possibly about to have a mental breakdown as he attempts to work out the how this event could be possible. I assume that, because it’s what I would do if confronted by a version of myself from the future – that, and ask for the results of some major sporting events that have yet to take place. Ka-ching.
He then asks what you (Yes, you) would tell yourself. My immediate reaction was, great idea I’d tell my fourteen year old self
1 Get a haircut
2 Here the are the results of every major sporting event between 1998-2008 – Use them
3 Don’t be so angry at the world; it’s not worth it
4 You have no idea what you want to do when you leave school – Let me save you a lot of time, look for something involving History, Photography and Writing.
5 You’re right – Aliens do exist, they appear in five years and take over the world.
6 Study harder
7 Be a better role model to your brothers and sister
8 I was joking about the Aliens.
9 Start rowing - you’ll love it
10. Stop worrying about what other people think of you
I then went into the kitchen, put the kettle on and proceeded to cook some noodles; chow mien flavoured, (in case you were wondering) happy with the thought of being able to get the things I want now, by putting my younger self on the same track present me is on, still playing in my mind.
But then I got thinking, I’m not the same person I was ten years ago; technically I’m not the same person was then I wrote that last line, or am I? Feel free to add your philosophies at the end - but I’m not going into that right now.
I don’t think I would listen to myself. I would like to think I would, but looking back on how I was then, I honestly doubt present me would get through. For the simple reason that wee-me (as me ten years ago shall hence forth be known) would have yet to encounter the people, and have had the experiences I have had. He would be too wrapped up in himself, and the goings on in this immediate little world to understand and see a bigger picture.
At this point in my thought process, I’d finished my tea and hit the coffee. Not really relevant but I was stuck as to how to continue this entry. Fortunately for you, I have just jumped that hurdle.
The video got me thinking about the last ten years, and I realised just how much of a journey I have had, mentally that is. Physically I haven’t travelled that far; well, I have done most of Europe and some of Africa – But the mental journey has been much greater. Trust me.
With this hindsight came the thought that actually, would I want to go back and change wee-me into current me? Whilst there are things I would like to change – I have lots of fantastic memories from various adventures, and have met people that have inspired me, taught me, made me laugh or have become good friends.
Changing wee-me, even slightly – could prevent any of that from happening. One thing I have learnt; that wee-me has yet to, is that I truly appreciate the people that have come into my life and changed it – and in the process changed me.
So much so, that I would not want to go back and change anything ten years ago – except the maybe the hair. Yes, definitely the hair.
People are fantastic. You are all awesome, unless I’ve met you and called you a douchebag – in which case, you are in fact a douchebag. Sorry.
Thursday, 15 January 2009
The Forged Coupon
This is a continuation of my previous entry, entitled Polikushka.
The Forged Coupon is the second of the two novellas in The Death of Ivan Ilyich and other stories, a collection of stories by Leo Tolstoy, (The other stories being, The Raid, The Woodfelling, Three Deaths, Polikushka and After the Ball.) all of which share a common theme, Death.
The story is constructed differently from the other texts in this collection, having being split in to two parts; and focusing on a much larger cast of characters. - Many of who pass through one another’s lives, and either directly or indirectly causes misfortune, in a series of events triggered by the forging of a coupon by two schoolboys. Reading through the web of interlinking stories is like looking at the world with a deterministic view – In that life is no more than a chain of events following on from one another according to the laws of cause and effect. But this would then mean that none of the characters have any control over their actions, because free will could not exist, yet some of the characters – notably that of Mitya, (whom; along with his friend Makhin, sets the tragic series of events in motion) has at least two chances to stop Makhin – but chooses not to.
I really enjoyed this novella; it is my favourite of the collection. I like the way Tolstoy shows how fragile people can be, how a perspective or belief can change so suddenly, and how the actions of one individual can affect so many others.
Part one begins with the forging of a coupon by two school boys called Mitya and Makhin; which they change at a local shop so Mitya can pay of a debt. The forgery is not spotted by the shopkeeper’s wife, but by the proprietor himself; Yevgeny Mikhailovich when he is counting up the money that evening. Yevgeny then manages to pass of the forged coupon on a muzhik named Ivan Mironov – who is arrested when attempting to change it at a bar.
Ivan attempts to clear his name by taking the police to the home of Yevgeny – But both Yevgeny and his yard keeper, Vasily (who takes a bribe) deny Ivan’s story. So aggrieved is Ivan that, after bribing his way out of jail he takes Yevgeny to court. But Vasily is the only witness and, after taking another bribe, continues to deny Ivan’s version of events.
It is this event that completely changes the lives of both Ivan and Vasily, almost overnight, and it is their actions that proceed pull others into an ever widening web of misery, theft, incarceration and death.
The chain of cause and effect continues, eventually touching the life of a muzhik named Stepan Pelageyushkin; who becomes central to the direction of plot, as it is his life we follow into darkness – before, in part two watching him recover and see the affects of the initial forging of the coupon come full circle.
In my mind, it is Stepan’s story that best shows the influence of determinism, because I believe him to have the least control over his actions, due to a mental illness perhaps sustained whilst serving in the military (as we are told he did). Tolstoy doesn’t mention mental any illness, but the way in which Stepan behaves when questioned in court after committing his first murder, and the thought process we see prior to and after the second and third murders (Chapter 15) shows a detachment from his actions, and apathy toward his victims. However the manner in which the fourth murder occurs (Chapter 23) place forces him to face his actions, and he breaks down.
Of all the characters Stepan’s journey is more predominant in the second part, as he finds redemption in the teachings of the Gospels. Which are taught to him by an inmate named Chuyev – who we meet earlier, learning the gospels himself from a tailor who himself learn them from Stepan’s fourth victim. Which again brings ideas of determinism to the forefront, especially when we see that with Stepan’s redemption; the tide of misfortune that has began with the forging of the coupon is turned into something more positive as the story draws to a close with a meeting that will bring events full circle.
This is such a good story, I hope you go away and read it if you haven’t already.
The Forged Coupon is the second of the two novellas in The Death of Ivan Ilyich and other stories, a collection of stories by Leo Tolstoy, (The other stories being, The Raid, The Woodfelling, Three Deaths, Polikushka and After the Ball.) all of which share a common theme, Death.
The story is constructed differently from the other texts in this collection, having being split in to two parts; and focusing on a much larger cast of characters. - Many of who pass through one another’s lives, and either directly or indirectly causes misfortune, in a series of events triggered by the forging of a coupon by two schoolboys. Reading through the web of interlinking stories is like looking at the world with a deterministic view – In that life is no more than a chain of events following on from one another according to the laws of cause and effect. But this would then mean that none of the characters have any control over their actions, because free will could not exist, yet some of the characters – notably that of Mitya, (whom; along with his friend Makhin, sets the tragic series of events in motion) has at least two chances to stop Makhin – but chooses not to.
I really enjoyed this novella; it is my favourite of the collection. I like the way Tolstoy shows how fragile people can be, how a perspective or belief can change so suddenly, and how the actions of one individual can affect so many others.
Part one begins with the forging of a coupon by two school boys called Mitya and Makhin; which they change at a local shop so Mitya can pay of a debt. The forgery is not spotted by the shopkeeper’s wife, but by the proprietor himself; Yevgeny Mikhailovich when he is counting up the money that evening. Yevgeny then manages to pass of the forged coupon on a muzhik named Ivan Mironov – who is arrested when attempting to change it at a bar.
Ivan attempts to clear his name by taking the police to the home of Yevgeny – But both Yevgeny and his yard keeper, Vasily (who takes a bribe) deny Ivan’s story. So aggrieved is Ivan that, after bribing his way out of jail he takes Yevgeny to court. But Vasily is the only witness and, after taking another bribe, continues to deny Ivan’s version of events.
It is this event that completely changes the lives of both Ivan and Vasily, almost overnight, and it is their actions that proceed pull others into an ever widening web of misery, theft, incarceration and death.
The chain of cause and effect continues, eventually touching the life of a muzhik named Stepan Pelageyushkin; who becomes central to the direction of plot, as it is his life we follow into darkness – before, in part two watching him recover and see the affects of the initial forging of the coupon come full circle.
In my mind, it is Stepan’s story that best shows the influence of determinism, because I believe him to have the least control over his actions, due to a mental illness perhaps sustained whilst serving in the military (as we are told he did). Tolstoy doesn’t mention mental any illness, but the way in which Stepan behaves when questioned in court after committing his first murder, and the thought process we see prior to and after the second and third murders (Chapter 15) shows a detachment from his actions, and apathy toward his victims. However the manner in which the fourth murder occurs (Chapter 23) place forces him to face his actions, and he breaks down.
Of all the characters Stepan’s journey is more predominant in the second part, as he finds redemption in the teachings of the Gospels. Which are taught to him by an inmate named Chuyev – who we meet earlier, learning the gospels himself from a tailor who himself learn them from Stepan’s fourth victim. Which again brings ideas of determinism to the forefront, especially when we see that with Stepan’s redemption; the tide of misfortune that has began with the forging of the coupon is turned into something more positive as the story draws to a close with a meeting that will bring events full circle.
This is such a good story, I hope you go away and read it if you haven’t already.
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
Polikushka
Today I finished reading The Death of Ivan Ilyich and other stories, a collection of novellas and short stories by Leo Tolstoy, (The other stories being, The Raid, The Woodfelling, Three Deaths, Polikushka, After the Ball and The Forged Coupon.) all of which share a common theme, Death.
I have really enjoyed reading through this collection, and would strongly recommend it. Although Death features heavily, do not be put off by assuming the texts are morbid and gloom ridden. Whilst there are obviously dark moments, some very; such as the three last days of Ivan Ilyich’s life, and the deaths of Polikey and his infant son in Polikusha, Tolstoy injects humour through the mannerisms of various characters (often children) throughout, and constantly refers to the idea that the presence of death can bring about a renewed vigour for life in those who encounter it. (Tolstoy himself was haunted by the idea of Death for most of his life).
Tolstoy also grants some characters (including Ivan Ilyich) redemption. During his final few hours Ivan Ilyich has a moment of clarity, in which he feels nothing but an unselfish love and compassion for his family and those around him, which frees him from his agonising pain, not to death “Because there was no death. Instead of death there was light” - Another was the character of Stepan (The Forged Coupon) whom, after embracing the New Testament, is freed from the demons of past atrocities that had previously driven him to attempt suicide.
Personally the subject of Death fascinates me. The folklore and myths concerning it enthral me, notably those of the Norseman and ancient China; as do the theories put forward by philosophers, and the answers given by religion – There also the undeniable the fact that death will remain an unknown until the reaper pokes you in the chest with a bony finger - telling you to get a move on as he has other collections to make.
But back to the book – Whilst I enjoyed The Death of Ivan Ilyich, skim-reading over many of the collection again – I found took more enjoyment from Polikushka and The Forged Coupon.
Polikushka is the story of a peasant and house serf by the same name (commonly referred to as Polikey throughout the story).
We are first introduced to Polikey indirectly, through the reactions of other servants and peasants of the same estate at a heated meeting. The estate has been called upon to provide three able men for military service, we learn that Polikey (who is not present) has been put forward due a history of committing various thefts – we also learn, that despite this reputation, the mistress of the estate has not given up attempting to turn Polikey into a useful member of the estate.
Tolstoy introduces us to Polikey proper, in the second chapter, and immediately provides the reader with a brief history of Polikeys life, in which the ill feelings the other servants have toward him are given context. We learn of his numerous thefts, his unhealthy taste for alcohol, and that (through showmanship and blind luck) he has convinced many in the area that he is a talented horse doctor – when in reality, his actions and horse medicine “made from anything that came to hand” tortured the poor beasts, some to death. “And the more horses he tortured to death, the more faith people had in him and the more horses they brought to him”
Despite all this, the Mistress of the estate goes against the views of the head servant and refrains from putting Polikey forward for military service, instead giving him the opportunity to redeem himself; by collecting a large sum of money in town, on her behalf.
The task instils a sense of pride in both Polikey, and his wife; for the first time we see her affection for him as she goes through great measures to make sure he is prepared and gathers what little clothing their family possess to dress her husband and make him look almost respectable for his task. Once made up, Polikey begins to picture himself as a well to do landowner and slips into a happy daydream. It is here I began to feel Polikey did have it in him to change, and perhaps it was more circumstance than disposition that lead him into a cycle of petty crime.
This is confirmed during his stay in town – He completes the task, consciously avoids the inn and collects various items for the estate. All the while taking care to keep the money safely under his hat.
But things go wrong on the way back to the estate, at some point – whilst travelling along an uneven road in a daydream, the money slips from his hat un-noticed; until he is about to pull into the estate.
At this point he has the choice of running, but he turns back and spends the evening and entire next day searching for the missing money – only to return home empty handed. Polikey is clearly distressed at his failing, and I genuinely felt sorry for him – as, given the theme of the stories in this collection I knew this would result in his death. But was surprised by the manner it occurred, and the events that unfold upon the discovery of the body.
I would say that of all the stories in this collection – Polikushka is the saddest, Polikey seemed to have genuinely tried to do something right for once, and looked as though he might be changing for the better. But a lapse in concentration, and a moment of misfortune triggers the complete mental collapse of Polikey.
It is in this fragile state of mind that Polikey makes a decision, and acts upon it – Causing his death, and in effect, the death of the most innocent character in the story.
I’ll talk about The Forged Coupon in my next entry – This one has gone on long enough!
I have really enjoyed reading through this collection, and would strongly recommend it. Although Death features heavily, do not be put off by assuming the texts are morbid and gloom ridden. Whilst there are obviously dark moments, some very; such as the three last days of Ivan Ilyich’s life, and the deaths of Polikey and his infant son in Polikusha, Tolstoy injects humour through the mannerisms of various characters (often children) throughout, and constantly refers to the idea that the presence of death can bring about a renewed vigour for life in those who encounter it. (Tolstoy himself was haunted by the idea of Death for most of his life).
Tolstoy also grants some characters (including Ivan Ilyich) redemption. During his final few hours Ivan Ilyich has a moment of clarity, in which he feels nothing but an unselfish love and compassion for his family and those around him, which frees him from his agonising pain, not to death “Because there was no death. Instead of death there was light” - Another was the character of Stepan (The Forged Coupon) whom, after embracing the New Testament, is freed from the demons of past atrocities that had previously driven him to attempt suicide.
Personally the subject of Death fascinates me. The folklore and myths concerning it enthral me, notably those of the Norseman and ancient China; as do the theories put forward by philosophers, and the answers given by religion – There also the undeniable the fact that death will remain an unknown until the reaper pokes you in the chest with a bony finger - telling you to get a move on as he has other collections to make.
But back to the book – Whilst I enjoyed The Death of Ivan Ilyich, skim-reading over many of the collection again – I found took more enjoyment from Polikushka and The Forged Coupon.
Polikushka is the story of a peasant and house serf by the same name (commonly referred to as Polikey throughout the story).
We are first introduced to Polikey indirectly, through the reactions of other servants and peasants of the same estate at a heated meeting. The estate has been called upon to provide three able men for military service, we learn that Polikey (who is not present) has been put forward due a history of committing various thefts – we also learn, that despite this reputation, the mistress of the estate has not given up attempting to turn Polikey into a useful member of the estate.
Tolstoy introduces us to Polikey proper, in the second chapter, and immediately provides the reader with a brief history of Polikeys life, in which the ill feelings the other servants have toward him are given context. We learn of his numerous thefts, his unhealthy taste for alcohol, and that (through showmanship and blind luck) he has convinced many in the area that he is a talented horse doctor – when in reality, his actions and horse medicine “made from anything that came to hand” tortured the poor beasts, some to death. “And the more horses he tortured to death, the more faith people had in him and the more horses they brought to him”
Despite all this, the Mistress of the estate goes against the views of the head servant and refrains from putting Polikey forward for military service, instead giving him the opportunity to redeem himself; by collecting a large sum of money in town, on her behalf.
The task instils a sense of pride in both Polikey, and his wife; for the first time we see her affection for him as she goes through great measures to make sure he is prepared and gathers what little clothing their family possess to dress her husband and make him look almost respectable for his task. Once made up, Polikey begins to picture himself as a well to do landowner and slips into a happy daydream. It is here I began to feel Polikey did have it in him to change, and perhaps it was more circumstance than disposition that lead him into a cycle of petty crime.
This is confirmed during his stay in town – He completes the task, consciously avoids the inn and collects various items for the estate. All the while taking care to keep the money safely under his hat.
But things go wrong on the way back to the estate, at some point – whilst travelling along an uneven road in a daydream, the money slips from his hat un-noticed; until he is about to pull into the estate.
At this point he has the choice of running, but he turns back and spends the evening and entire next day searching for the missing money – only to return home empty handed. Polikey is clearly distressed at his failing, and I genuinely felt sorry for him – as, given the theme of the stories in this collection I knew this would result in his death. But was surprised by the manner it occurred, and the events that unfold upon the discovery of the body.
I would say that of all the stories in this collection – Polikushka is the saddest, Polikey seemed to have genuinely tried to do something right for once, and looked as though he might be changing for the better. But a lapse in concentration, and a moment of misfortune triggers the complete mental collapse of Polikey.
It is in this fragile state of mind that Polikey makes a decision, and acts upon it – Causing his death, and in effect, the death of the most innocent character in the story.
I’ll talk about The Forged Coupon in my next entry – This one has gone on long enough!
Friday, 9 January 2009
City of Delusion
I believe in my first entry I may have touched on my rediscovering my creative motivation, which has, until recently, been missing in action. Despite my best attempts to recover it from behind enemy lines – that enemy being a joint taskforce of Procrastination and Apathy.
But now its back, and I don’t think merely mentioning it off cuff puts across just how much this renewed vigour for the creative arts has affected me recently. It came back so suddenly over Christmas, that when I wasn’t occupied by regulatory festive frivolities I was hunched over a laptop in the dining room typing away frantically. Since then I have been writing everyday – something I have not done for almost three years. It feels fantastic.
I had forgotten how much enjoyment and energy I take from the process. Even with some, albeit minor, but persist issues that are attempting to shower me in negativity, and being in the grip of a sapping wave of insomnia – I am feeling really good, and my new years resolution/mantra is holding course.
Barely an hour passes when I am not coming up with ideas, reviewing existing ones, or reading something – anything. My mind feels primed to absorb knowledge at the moment, and my curiosity is taking me down so many paths that I am leaning a really diverse collection of subject matter, which can only be a good thing. I am also storming through my backlog of books I have piled up to read, including a few meaty classics and I intend to explore or re-read, foremost of which is a copy of Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World I received for Christmas – along with some advanced reading notes which will be interesting.
For those that may not have had the pleasure – Brave New World (1932) is set in a future Dystopian (or Utopian, depending on your point of view) London. The world is largely united and is known as The World State – This new society has done away with natural reproduction and now Humans are created in state controlled Hatcheries and Conditioning Centres, created as and when society requires – and genetically altered to serve, as the society requires. As such, the concept of family is extinct. I have never read it completely, so I will post a more detailed review once I have finished it.
The reason I mention it now, and as the title of this entry may allude to, I am enthralled with Utopian fiction, and more so the concepts it has spawned (namely Dystopia and Anti-Utopia). Many of the ideas I am currently converting into shorts; or attempting to, predominately revolve around themes inspired by societies based on a Utopian or Counter-Utopian model, or individuals within such a society.
What I like about this style, is that the societies created are a response to current social trends and ideals – Projecting them onto a future where governments have unified or have ceded power to global corporations, various sciences and technologies have advanced and now offer a more pleasurable standard of living away from suffering (with the exception of an overtly oppressive Dystopia, which would naturally be the opposite). Perhaps even death has been defeated, or at least, greatly belayed.
It is the concept of an Anti-Utopia that I am most drawn to. An Anti-Utopia is essentially a Dystopia, but differs in that it appears to be, or intended to be, a Utopia. Whereas a Dystopia is an oppressive, violent society, often urbanised and isolated from the natural world – An Anti-Utopia is, perhaps covertly oppressive, whilst allowing its citizens to life a more pleasurable existence. Yet they are trapped, if not to the system itself, to their own inability to be self-reliant.
The ambiguity and uncertainty that is inherent within an Anti Utopia is what makes it stand out for me. From the inside, for the core of its society life would appear to be good. But for those that hold what power the system bestows, or those looking in, the barriers and twisted principles are all too apparent.
But now its back, and I don’t think merely mentioning it off cuff puts across just how much this renewed vigour for the creative arts has affected me recently. It came back so suddenly over Christmas, that when I wasn’t occupied by regulatory festive frivolities I was hunched over a laptop in the dining room typing away frantically. Since then I have been writing everyday – something I have not done for almost three years. It feels fantastic.
I had forgotten how much enjoyment and energy I take from the process. Even with some, albeit minor, but persist issues that are attempting to shower me in negativity, and being in the grip of a sapping wave of insomnia – I am feeling really good, and my new years resolution/mantra is holding course.
Barely an hour passes when I am not coming up with ideas, reviewing existing ones, or reading something – anything. My mind feels primed to absorb knowledge at the moment, and my curiosity is taking me down so many paths that I am leaning a really diverse collection of subject matter, which can only be a good thing. I am also storming through my backlog of books I have piled up to read, including a few meaty classics and I intend to explore or re-read, foremost of which is a copy of Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World I received for Christmas – along with some advanced reading notes which will be interesting.
For those that may not have had the pleasure – Brave New World (1932) is set in a future Dystopian (or Utopian, depending on your point of view) London. The world is largely united and is known as The World State – This new society has done away with natural reproduction and now Humans are created in state controlled Hatcheries and Conditioning Centres, created as and when society requires – and genetically altered to serve, as the society requires. As such, the concept of family is extinct. I have never read it completely, so I will post a more detailed review once I have finished it.
The reason I mention it now, and as the title of this entry may allude to, I am enthralled with Utopian fiction, and more so the concepts it has spawned (namely Dystopia and Anti-Utopia). Many of the ideas I am currently converting into shorts; or attempting to, predominately revolve around themes inspired by societies based on a Utopian or Counter-Utopian model, or individuals within such a society.
What I like about this style, is that the societies created are a response to current social trends and ideals – Projecting them onto a future where governments have unified or have ceded power to global corporations, various sciences and technologies have advanced and now offer a more pleasurable standard of living away from suffering (with the exception of an overtly oppressive Dystopia, which would naturally be the opposite). Perhaps even death has been defeated, or at least, greatly belayed.
It is the concept of an Anti-Utopia that I am most drawn to. An Anti-Utopia is essentially a Dystopia, but differs in that it appears to be, or intended to be, a Utopia. Whereas a Dystopia is an oppressive, violent society, often urbanised and isolated from the natural world – An Anti-Utopia is, perhaps covertly oppressive, whilst allowing its citizens to life a more pleasurable existence. Yet they are trapped, if not to the system itself, to their own inability to be self-reliant.
The ambiguity and uncertainty that is inherent within an Anti Utopia is what makes it stand out for me. From the inside, for the core of its society life would appear to be good. But for those that hold what power the system bestows, or those looking in, the barriers and twisted principles are all too apparent.
Wednesday, 7 January 2009
Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell
Warning. This entry may, or may not contain the word Anti-disestablishmentarianism.
Ugh. I have barely slept all week.
I have this affliction, or addiction? Insomnia. The type of Insomnia that will appear suddenly and bear down upon you like an avalanche, leaving you wide eyed in the dark – staring at the ceiling wondering what the hell just happened, and why your brain is suddenly working overtime. You roll over, shut your eyes and attempt to quieten the thoughts in your headspace. But it’s not happening. No more sleep tonight, so you just lay there – refusing to give in. That is until a light appears from behind the curtains and gingerly feels its way into the darkness of your room. Alerting you to the fact that your alarm is about to go off, which just adds to the misery.
That smug, sadistic little shite has just sat by and watched you get whipped by the Insomnia-Monster, watched as you tossed and turned; trying in vain to evades its withering grip. It watched your face drop into sullen despair as you watched it, and the hours tick past. Yet the little sadist is not satisfied until it has sung its morning song, just to let you know, that today is going to be a bitch.
There have been times I begged it to deliver the coup-de-grace and explode in my face. But it just laughed and switched to hibernate mode.
Thus begins a pattern that will destroy any sleeping routine, as it replays over and over for the next six, seven; maybe more, days. At which point the Insomnia-Monster tires of me, ironically and disappears just as suddenly as it appeared, off to stalk the wee hours for another vulnerable mind to pounce upon and torment. Leaving me feeling used, dirty and bordering on a state of delirium.
It doesn’t call. Days pass - weeks, your sleeping pattern returns to normal. The weeks turn to months; you forget you even have a relationship with a sleep affliction.
Then one night, as your head hits the pillow – all thoughts vanquished to the subconscious. Well, most thoughts. (Any involving Jessica Alba are more than welcome to stick around). You close your eyes and prepare for an evening of rest, recuperation and sweet, sweet dreaming.
Nothing. You lay there, and you know. You pretend you don’t, you clench your eyelids shut tightly and pull the duvet up to your head. But it’s back, without warning, and resistance is futile. It slips in to bed with you – you can feel its breath of the back of your neck, making your hairs stand on end. You can feel its touch, and as much as you protest, you know it won’t stop.
All the while the alarm clock looks on with a look of glee in its eye, limbering up for the morning song.
And now for something completely different.
Anti-disestablishmentarianism is a political position, originating in 19th Century Britain when some (antidisestablishmentarians) opposed proposals to remove the Church of England as State Church of England.
Ugh. I have barely slept all week.
I have this affliction, or addiction? Insomnia. The type of Insomnia that will appear suddenly and bear down upon you like an avalanche, leaving you wide eyed in the dark – staring at the ceiling wondering what the hell just happened, and why your brain is suddenly working overtime. You roll over, shut your eyes and attempt to quieten the thoughts in your headspace. But it’s not happening. No more sleep tonight, so you just lay there – refusing to give in. That is until a light appears from behind the curtains and gingerly feels its way into the darkness of your room. Alerting you to the fact that your alarm is about to go off, which just adds to the misery.
That smug, sadistic little shite has just sat by and watched you get whipped by the Insomnia-Monster, watched as you tossed and turned; trying in vain to evades its withering grip. It watched your face drop into sullen despair as you watched it, and the hours tick past. Yet the little sadist is not satisfied until it has sung its morning song, just to let you know, that today is going to be a bitch.
There have been times I begged it to deliver the coup-de-grace and explode in my face. But it just laughed and switched to hibernate mode.
Thus begins a pattern that will destroy any sleeping routine, as it replays over and over for the next six, seven; maybe more, days. At which point the Insomnia-Monster tires of me, ironically and disappears just as suddenly as it appeared, off to stalk the wee hours for another vulnerable mind to pounce upon and torment. Leaving me feeling used, dirty and bordering on a state of delirium.
It doesn’t call. Days pass - weeks, your sleeping pattern returns to normal. The weeks turn to months; you forget you even have a relationship with a sleep affliction.
Then one night, as your head hits the pillow – all thoughts vanquished to the subconscious. Well, most thoughts. (Any involving Jessica Alba are more than welcome to stick around). You close your eyes and prepare for an evening of rest, recuperation and sweet, sweet dreaming.
Nothing. You lay there, and you know. You pretend you don’t, you clench your eyelids shut tightly and pull the duvet up to your head. But it’s back, without warning, and resistance is futile. It slips in to bed with you – you can feel its breath of the back of your neck, making your hairs stand on end. You can feel its touch, and as much as you protest, you know it won’t stop.
All the while the alarm clock looks on with a look of glee in its eye, limbering up for the morning song.
And now for something completely different.
Anti-disestablishmentarianism is a political position, originating in 19th Century Britain when some (antidisestablishmentarians) opposed proposals to remove the Church of England as State Church of England.
Monday, 5 January 2009
Snowbiz/Run Rabbit Run
I don’t wish to perpetuate the myth that the UK is always cold and showered in rain. But it is looking a little something like this right now
<< "The blue symbolising: "Go outside today and you are going to freeze your feckin peculiars off"
(I believe you will find that is the official meteorological term for this level of coldness).
The temperature has lingered around zero Celsius all day like young teenagers by the top shelf magazines, daring each other to sneak a look. This is something that is apparently not going to change until Wednesday lunchtime. (The temperature that is, you’d have thought the teenagers would have been kicked out after ten minutes rubbing their grubby little paws over pictures of topless women).
I like the cold, and I like snow; moreover, I like taking photos of the landscape transformed by snow. This made today annoying. Old Jack Frost got a little excited and came early…then tried to hide it. So by the time your weary narrator left home for his morning stroll to work, he had nothing but sludge and ice to navigate through. Looking the other way, like the English do – pretending he hadn’t seen the embarrassing love stains that Old Frosty balls could not hide.
To my surprise he came back for a second go, but I only caught a fleeting glimpse of the White Stuff from my office window – as Jack flaunted his wares burlesque style before vanishing, leaving the city covered in one giant slippery coating. So no wintry photo shoot for me today, fingers crossed for tomorrow.
But today was about more than snow, today saw planning commence on this years mini adventures! In which I will push my mind, body and soul to the limits, and possibly kill a friend (But don’t worry about – they knew the risks when they take the job). To explain – after a rather eventful three-month holiday around Europe a few years ago, I developed an addiction for pushing myself to the point of collapse, or just planting myself firmly in deaths vision. So when I got home, I naturally attempted to coerce my friends into joining me. Despite almost killing them on a training climb, in preparation for a Three Peak Challenge attempt, a few minor injuries, and getting lost in the wilds they have come back for more.
I have decided that 2010 shall be the year I attempt the Le Marathon des Sables (Sahara Marathon), which; as I have discovered, is a 150 mile trek/run across the Sahara, to be completed in six days. Sounds awesome, but as eager as my friends are for action I get the feeling it will be just two of us attempting that little beauty.
To this year, after a brain storming session the following events/ideas have caught my eye:
Charity/Organisation Run Events
Caledonian Challenge – A 54 mile trek from Fort William to Loch Lomand (Scotland)
Rob Roy Challenge – A 55 mile course, 17 mile trek followed by 39 miles cycling (England)
The Original Mountain Marathon – 36 hour Adventure Race (England)
The Carpathian Adventure – 3 Day Adventure Race (Romania)
Our own Ideas
Climb Slieve Donard (Highest Peak in Northern Ireland), then drive down to Cork and climb Carrauntoohil (Highest Peak in Rep. Of Ireland) and the other two peaks in that particular range which are over 1,000m – Beenkeragh & Caher)
Munro bagging (Scotland)
Climbing/Rafting in the Alps (Austria & Switzerland)
I have no doubt that the list will grow over the next week until we put our serious hats on and work out which ones we can all do this year. Fun times ahead! :)
Saturday, 3 January 2009
Citizen Erased
Hello again. So, Uno was not much in the way of an introduction, but it succeeded in providing me with a platform from which I can really get this project off the ground.
One of my weaknesses is kryptonite; which is actually quite irrelevant. One of my other weaknesses is starting a project. I have no problem with the organisation and planning stages. But when it comes to act of actually starting, my mind wanders off in all sorts of weird, wonderful and sometimes freaky, directions and I find myself doing anything other than what I am supposed to be. I am Procrastination’s biatch, and I feel dirty and ashamed because of it!
Enough of that - The purpose of this entry is to give you a little bit of an insight into me, and what you might expect from this blog. I still don’t have a firm idea as to what direction I want this blog to take, but the central themes will be closely linked to the pastimes and subjects I find most interesting, namely Books, History, Technology, Travel, Photography, Philosophy and Music. I may also use this as an outlet to give my take on global events, should I feel the need – and talk about my ideas/inspirations for my writing. I might even upload the odd piece, I haven’t decided yet.
So that is the blog, as for me. I am fascinated by people, I am drawn to those who can make me laugh, teach me or inspire me; I love those who can do all three. I read a lot (to fuel an almost insatiable desire for knowledge). I am Agnostic, but captivated by so many religions. I love to travel and wish to visit every country before I die, and I value my relationships between my family and friends above all else well, above pretty much everything else.
I think that will do for now, here’s a mini-meme
My Top Ten:
Favourite visited cities: Vienna, Budapest, Munich, Florence, Istanbul, Rome, Venice, Cairo, London, and Barcelona
Places I want to visit: Tanzania, Kenya, Madagascar, Nepal, India, China, Mongolia, Japan, New Zealand and Peru
Favourite Bands: MUSE, Bloc Party, Interpol, The Cure, The Smiths, Led Zeppelin, Blondie, Lacuna Coil, Night wish and Rammstein
Most Interested in (currently): The Napoleonic Wars, Political Philosophy, The work of Leo Tolstoy and Time
Oh, and my name is Carl. Speaking of names -
I chose the name Citizen Erased for this blog and my username, because I love the song (By my favourite band, MUSE), but also because the phrase itself conjures up such intriguing dystopian imagery for me - Of a uniformed mankind, for whom names have been replaced with serial codes, void of anything that would make them unique. Becoming merely ‘one of many’ and the ‘many’ becoming the engine of a totalitarian society that exists only to sustain itself. It is a society that has become enslaved to itself, the truth of this plight hidden behind layers of delusion and apathy.
At first I was annoyed that I had to add the .05 to the end, but with thoughts of Dystopia in my mind – I find it actually fits quite nicely.
“self-expressed, exhausting for all
to see and to be
what you want and what you need
the truth's unwindingscraping away at my mind
please stop asking me to describe”
Citizen Erased, from the Album Origin of Symmetry – MUSE
One of my weaknesses is kryptonite; which is actually quite irrelevant. One of my other weaknesses is starting a project. I have no problem with the organisation and planning stages. But when it comes to act of actually starting, my mind wanders off in all sorts of weird, wonderful and sometimes freaky, directions and I find myself doing anything other than what I am supposed to be. I am Procrastination’s biatch, and I feel dirty and ashamed because of it!
Enough of that - The purpose of this entry is to give you a little bit of an insight into me, and what you might expect from this blog. I still don’t have a firm idea as to what direction I want this blog to take, but the central themes will be closely linked to the pastimes and subjects I find most interesting, namely Books, History, Technology, Travel, Photography, Philosophy and Music. I may also use this as an outlet to give my take on global events, should I feel the need – and talk about my ideas/inspirations for my writing. I might even upload the odd piece, I haven’t decided yet.
So that is the blog, as for me. I am fascinated by people, I am drawn to those who can make me laugh, teach me or inspire me; I love those who can do all three. I read a lot (to fuel an almost insatiable desire for knowledge). I am Agnostic, but captivated by so many religions. I love to travel and wish to visit every country before I die, and I value my relationships between my family and friends above all else well, above pretty much everything else.
I think that will do for now, here’s a mini-meme
My Top Ten:
Favourite visited cities: Vienna, Budapest, Munich, Florence, Istanbul, Rome, Venice, Cairo, London, and Barcelona
Places I want to visit: Tanzania, Kenya, Madagascar, Nepal, India, China, Mongolia, Japan, New Zealand and Peru
Favourite Bands: MUSE, Bloc Party, Interpol, The Cure, The Smiths, Led Zeppelin, Blondie, Lacuna Coil, Night wish and Rammstein
Most Interested in (currently): The Napoleonic Wars, Political Philosophy, The work of Leo Tolstoy and Time
Oh, and my name is Carl. Speaking of names -
I chose the name Citizen Erased for this blog and my username, because I love the song (By my favourite band, MUSE), but also because the phrase itself conjures up such intriguing dystopian imagery for me - Of a uniformed mankind, for whom names have been replaced with serial codes, void of anything that would make them unique. Becoming merely ‘one of many’ and the ‘many’ becoming the engine of a totalitarian society that exists only to sustain itself. It is a society that has become enslaved to itself, the truth of this plight hidden behind layers of delusion and apathy.
At first I was annoyed that I had to add the .05 to the end, but with thoughts of Dystopia in my mind – I find it actually fits quite nicely.
“self-expressed, exhausting for all
to see and to be
what you want and what you need
the truth's unwindingscraping away at my mind
please stop asking me to describe”
Citizen Erased, from the Album Origin of Symmetry – MUSE
Thursday, 1 January 2009
Uno
So – As 2008 is left to flutter away on the breeze and live on in memory, discarded by time as it continues its ever-steady march onward. I find a brand spanking New Year of possibilities and unrestrained sexual adventures (fingers crossed) has been laid at my feet, like a newborn left on my doorstep one cold wintry night. FYI, the sex thing was a joke :)
This year for a change, I have set myself the challenge of making some practical resolutions and sticking to them. After some consideration, many cups of tea and a sneaky chocolate chip cookie (Okay, three sneaky chocolate chip cookies). I decided that the main thing my life that needs changing is my attitude. So, my resolutions are thus:
Be Positive
Be Proactive
Be Confident
Admittedly that sounds more like a mantra you might expect to hear some strange, stern looking potential nutter muttering to them self on the tube, eyeing up everybody that enters the carriage with a look of paranoid curiosity. (If you should see me – say hello!). But, be that as it may, that is the outlook I have decided to start the year with. Optimism is the keyword here. Tentative optimism that is, I am far too sceptical to be so outwardly full of hope!
Damn it man, remember the manta. Positive thoughts!
I’m trying, I really am. But pessimism and cynicism are so easy… you do not know the power of the dark side! It doesn’t help in that today, the first day I should be following my mantra, I feel strangely detached and chaotic. It is as though my mind has fragmented and all the pieces have simultaneously decided to scurry after a hundred random, roaming thoughts; and then fight one another for my attention, causing my head to spin. For a while it felt like a few were attempting to physically bore their way out of my forehead. At this point in the proceedings, my thanks go out to neurofen.
I should say at this point that I am not drunk, high or hung over from the New Year celebrations last night. - I tells ya honest guv’ Sober as a Judge I was, barely a drink passed me lips. Anybody says anything other they be wrong so they be. Swear on me ol’mams grave sir. - Went a little Dickens on you there, sorry.
I digress, back to the point of this entry, or should I say – to make a point for this entry. With it being the first day of the year I feel like I should be doing something constructive - start as I mean to go on. So, I have decided to jump aboard the blogging bandwagon. My initial plan was to make Vlog and announce myself to the Youtube community, but I hit a minor snag; my webcam is rubbish – and my camera, whilst awesome, doesn’t pick up sound on the video option; but more of that another time.
I haven’t given this blog much forethought, something that may become all the more obvious with future postings, so I have no real idea as to what direction it will yet. But, I do like to encourage discussion and debate (In fact some call me a Master Debater, well - They say Wanker. Same thing isn’t it? Don’t answer that.), so I will probably be looking for a little feedback at times; I’m always interested to learn people’s opinions. Also, I have recently had my joy for creative writing rekindled, (which is partly to blame for this attempt to blog) so it’s safe to assume that my writing will be brought up in future entries. I might even manage some deliciously witty commentary on current affairs, might being the operative word.
Then again, I could just end up writing utter crap. Place your bets now.
I shall put together something better resembling an introduction shortly. I got so excited I just had to upload something today - I implore you kind reader, forgive my youthful impatience!
For anybody who has read this far – You must have the patience of a Saint, or have nothing better to do. Either way, Happy New Year – I hope you enjoyed the holiday season.
This year for a change, I have set myself the challenge of making some practical resolutions and sticking to them. After some consideration, many cups of tea and a sneaky chocolate chip cookie (Okay, three sneaky chocolate chip cookies). I decided that the main thing my life that needs changing is my attitude. So, my resolutions are thus:
Be Positive
Be Proactive
Be Confident
Admittedly that sounds more like a mantra you might expect to hear some strange, stern looking potential nutter muttering to them self on the tube, eyeing up everybody that enters the carriage with a look of paranoid curiosity. (If you should see me – say hello!). But, be that as it may, that is the outlook I have decided to start the year with. Optimism is the keyword here. Tentative optimism that is, I am far too sceptical to be so outwardly full of hope!
Damn it man, remember the manta. Positive thoughts!
I’m trying, I really am. But pessimism and cynicism are so easy… you do not know the power of the dark side! It doesn’t help in that today, the first day I should be following my mantra, I feel strangely detached and chaotic. It is as though my mind has fragmented and all the pieces have simultaneously decided to scurry after a hundred random, roaming thoughts; and then fight one another for my attention, causing my head to spin. For a while it felt like a few were attempting to physically bore their way out of my forehead. At this point in the proceedings, my thanks go out to neurofen.
I should say at this point that I am not drunk, high or hung over from the New Year celebrations last night. - I tells ya honest guv’ Sober as a Judge I was, barely a drink passed me lips. Anybody says anything other they be wrong so they be. Swear on me ol’mams grave sir. - Went a little Dickens on you there, sorry.
I digress, back to the point of this entry, or should I say – to make a point for this entry. With it being the first day of the year I feel like I should be doing something constructive - start as I mean to go on. So, I have decided to jump aboard the blogging bandwagon. My initial plan was to make Vlog and announce myself to the Youtube community, but I hit a minor snag; my webcam is rubbish – and my camera, whilst awesome, doesn’t pick up sound on the video option; but more of that another time.
I haven’t given this blog much forethought, something that may become all the more obvious with future postings, so I have no real idea as to what direction it will yet. But, I do like to encourage discussion and debate (In fact some call me a Master Debater, well - They say Wanker. Same thing isn’t it? Don’t answer that.), so I will probably be looking for a little feedback at times; I’m always interested to learn people’s opinions. Also, I have recently had my joy for creative writing rekindled, (which is partly to blame for this attempt to blog) so it’s safe to assume that my writing will be brought up in future entries. I might even manage some deliciously witty commentary on current affairs, might being the operative word.
Then again, I could just end up writing utter crap. Place your bets now.
I shall put together something better resembling an introduction shortly. I got so excited I just had to upload something today - I implore you kind reader, forgive my youthful impatience!
For anybody who has read this far – You must have the patience of a Saint, or have nothing better to do. Either way, Happy New Year – I hope you enjoyed the holiday season.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)