A Certain Sadness

Hello readers. I hope you all had an enjoyable Easter.

Mine was eventful. I got the call late Friday evening, if you have been reading my older entries you will already know what’s coming. My grandmother died. One of my brothers called as the parents were on route to the hospital, it was odd. I honestly knew what was coming the moment I looked down at my phone and saw it was my brother calling, the fact that he immediately handed me over to my other brother who could barely talked, confirmed it.

That moment seemed so absurd to me, because despite being pretty messed up already (refer to my previous entry The Night I Lost My Head) I was, at that time, in the middle of arranging a date. I had found somebody new, somebody outside the monotony. Somebody who might help me take my mind off everything else, and with that the prospect that I might find the mental resolve to fight back against the veil of depression that was refusing to be dislodged.

I tried my best to give some comfort to my brother, but I could not find the words. We did manage an exchange before ending the call. I felt, feel, so guilty. I hate to think of my brothers or sister upset, or in pain. I knew they were, but could do nothing about it – I have failed them, many times and again in not being around to offer better support when it was really needed.

Needless to say, the repercussions of this news have dominated my weekend. But nothing official can be completed until tomorrow, because all of the offices were closed due to a double Bank Holiday.

There was one period in which I managed to find some peace. I decided, perhaps selfishly, to go on the date. I was toying with the idea of postponing right up until a few hours before, but I just needed the chance to escape; if only for a few hours, that I went. I’m glad I did. I wasn’t able to put all of my troubles to one side, but the weight was reduced enough for me to recover somewhat and enjoy it.

Unfortunately that respite seems to have been all to brief, as the weight is now firmly back around my shoulders as the monotony of the corporate machine sucks away more of my soul. I am all but drained physically and mentally, and now I have the prospect of somebody new coming into my life in quite a major way. I feel guilty because I think they could be good for me; and perhaps I for her, but I’d rather not subject anyone to this. It’s not fair.

But where to go from here? First and foremost I need to rest, to really relax and recharge my batteries. I need time to think and clear my head, to look at things logically and tackle them one by one. I am so tempted to hop on a plane and do it elsewhere. But I don’t want to run away now, a trip across the continent might cure my wanderlust but it will not solve my problems.

I'll start tomorrow.