Spiral Staircase

Bonsoir Mesdames, messieurs et variants là de.

There is nothing like a gentle jog in the rain on a spring evening to clear the mind and relax the body. Not that my jogs stay gentle for long. I rarely resist the urge to push myself by settling in to a pretty demanding pace for as long as I can handle it – and then trying to go faster. I am like that in most of my activities; to the point where my competitive nature is out shadowed by my own desire to beat myself. I don’t know where this appetite for self-destruction has come from.

Perhaps it was born out of my desire to grow as an individual. I feel that I have yet to find my limits; mental, physical or even spiritual (despite having attempted to test myself in varying degrees), and I believe I am missing out on some aspect of life that will remain hidden to me until I am able to really know myself and define the edges to my character. The thought that I might never reach a stage where I feel, well, complete I guess, is a genuine concern for me; as odd as that may sound. I am relentless driven by the desire to be more intelligent, fitter, faster and stronger; and am continuously feeding an insatiable thirst for more knowledge and life experience.

Suffice to say, this goal I have set myself; and the ongoing attempts at self-improvement have all but consumed me. Removed me from the world of reality and popped me down in central Carlsville, population one, a world that was built to revolve around me. I am talking in metaphors, obviously, in response to a rather awkward truth, which has hit home during the course of recent events. The mostly single-minded pursuits of my goals, and perhaps the feelings that have grown in the time that I have been single, have made me rather selfish. I have grown accustomed to being alone. This is not something like I like, and I am determined to revert this change in my personality, but have succumbed to musing many things about me, my life and more; which at current is leaving little if any time for action.

I have been in this mood since the funeral, which has evidently had an impact on me in a way I hadn’t expected. The entire build up, for me, was readying myself to face something profound. I wanted to be effected; I wanted to find something in the face of death that would help my better understand life. But all I have come away with is more questions. It was a nice service, not that I have another to compare it to, and I was glad to see the relief it brought to certain members of the family. The grief they expelled during the service seemed to lift their spirits and bring finality to the affair, which is good.

But I just have to be different, whereas the funeral marked a moving forward for the rest of my family, it began a period of looking back for me. It just happened to coincide with my first steps back in to the realm of dating, which itself has thrown up all sorts of questions and issues for me to contend with.

Both events have made me realise just how fragile our little worlds are, and how the slightest thing can bring them crashing down; or even extinguish them completely. My world has changed, it’s daunting, but; as always, change is necessary for progression and I don’t want to be alone anymore.