Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

The most peculiar thing happened to me yesterday evening. I had gone for a walk, in the rain; out of necessity rather than choice – It was dark, and the heavy cloud cover that appeared rest just over the rooftops made everything feel closer, and gave the impression of being within a closed space. The city was unsurprisingly quiet, only the hum of passing traffic disturbed the sound of the rain and my footsteps.

I had obviously fallen into some form of waking daydream earlier; (the sort that you find yourself lured into after a restless nights sleep) because I can clearly recall snapping out of it, and how the sudden return of my senses brought on a feeling of being absolutely focused on the present moment. I realised how refreshing the rain felt on my face, how the evening chill had caused me to clench my fists in my pockets and squeeze my shoulders together.

I was quite content, thinking of nothing other than the rain and of food (the attainment of which, was the purpose of the journey). When I was struck – quite suddenly, at first by feeling completely emptiness, then just a suddenly, a feeling of utter isolation and loneliness. It sprang forth from the darkness and was so intense, so utterly consuming that it actually stopped me in my tracks, until the sound of a passing car spurred me cautiously onward.

I have never felt so alone before, as I did in that moment.

All at once images of my self in random scenarios began to play out in my mind – the people in them would pass by and either ignore, or not see me. Images of returning to my flat and finding it empty, dark and distorted. I was reminded of how I miss being in a relationship, of my friends, the ones who have left for more exotic shores. My brain was spontaneously throwing up times when I felt alone or lost in the past – which served only to exasperate my sullen mood.

I can’t say how long it lasted for; it could not have been longer than around 10 minutes. I remember then turning a corner and almost walking into a young lady, who smiled at me from under her umbrella. We made eye contact for the briefest of moments, as I apologised and carried on past. But in that moment, the feeling vanished – I was once more left with thoughts of food and the evening’s television schedule.

It was so profound - so surreal, yet I actually forgot about it last night and only recalled the event this morning. At which point, I add – I was in high spirits (and remain so at the point of writing this), having slept well. Although I managed develop the full symptoms of a cold overnight. Nice.

Obviously something has been clawing away at my subconscious, and that dark deserted street served as an opportunity for it to strike. I mention it because I found it strange, firstly because I have never felt as ardent with emotion as I did last night, and secondly, because I have been feeling really positive and good about myself recently.

I should probably reflect on the potential causes behind it - But sitting here now, with my coffee, a little classical music on the background and the smell of my housemates dinner managing to pierce my largely blocked nasal passages, I don’t feel the need – Feelin’ Fine. Well, feeling annoyed at my inability to breathe properly, and that my broadband connection is slow at the moment. Seriously – I’ve seen two legged tortoises move faster than my refresh rate. Damnit!

But that aside, Feelin’ Fine

Oh - Any Neil Gaiman fans should check out his latest blog entry - HERE - It contains a trailer for Coraline, it's pretty good.